5 Ways to Have Damn Good Conversations
Cut the chit-chat. Discuss what matters.
Prepare Strategically
Before every interview I get invited on, I prepare three ideas I want to land.
Then, I make sure I land them no matter what happens.
I invite you to do the same.
You can prepare your favorite stories, crowd-pleasing anecdotes, or current projects you are working on.
Sometimes this makes people feel uncomfortable, as if these responses are canned. That feeling goes away when I remind people that Jerry Seinfeld says the exact same words every night, right down to the syllables and emphasis he uses.
“Give me six hours to chop down a tree, and I will spend the first four hours sharpening the axe.”
— Abraham Lincoln
2. Decide on Your Energy Level
I don’t mean being over caffeinated or hyper. Think about what ideal energy you want to bring to your conversation. The vibe you want to demonstrate.
Most people tell me their ideal energy during conversations is a slightly heightened form of their natural state.
I favor a 1-4 scale in most areas of my life, but this is one of the times where the range of a 1-10 scale helps. Think about some prominent media figures and their energy on this scale. Johnny Depp would be a 5, albeit an unusual five. The late James Lipton brought a 6 to his interviews. Robin Williams brought an 11! When you think about this scale, ask yourself what your ideal energy will be during a conversation. The level that would make your host say “damn that was good.”
3. Pass the Jimmy V Test
The late Jimmy Valvano was an inspirational figure. In his dying days, he looked into TV cameras and yelled, “Cancer can take away all my physical abilities, it cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.”
Powerful words indeed, and he went on to offer one of the best ever tips for having damn good conversations even if he was not talking about conversations.
Ok, maybe the host won’t cry, but a poignant moment is a win just as well.
4. Change Your Response Opening
“So yeah” is by far the most frequent response I hear when I listen to conversations. Don’t do this.
Instead, vary the way you begin each response.
Here are three techniques to utilize in your next conversation:
Micro/Macro: An immediate direct answer followed by a detailed elaboration
How it sounds:
Q: What is the secret to being a good podcast host?
A: Preparation. Like so many endeavors in life, it’s the work you put in when no one is watching that makes the difference. It’s no different in podcasting. The interesting difference is only where you put the prep. For me, it’s in the research. Prior to episode 157, I emailed my guest’s husband to ask what type of music his wife loves. Turns out, it was Taylor Swift and the very first question I asked was about her love of Taylor. You can’t do that without preparation.
Framing: Beginning an answer with an outline of what is to come.
How it sounds:
Q: What does a typical writing day look like for you?
A: I like to measure successful writing days by the things I do not do. There are three things I try to avoid every day…
Story Launch: You begin with a story with no context until later
How it sounds:
In 1986, a woman who no one knew walked into an office in Santa Fe, New Mexico…”
There are many more ways to begin your response, but being aware that variety matters and seeing three examples is a great first step.
5. Vary Your Times
Writer Gary Provost offered this unforgettable writing tip:
This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals-sounds that say listen to this, it is important.
The same power is possible in conversation. Give short, medium, and long answers. Vary your lengths.
Final Thoughts:
Our relationships are too important, our work is too valuable, and life is too short to have anything less than Damn Good Conversations.
It is my hope that these five techniques will sharpen your communication and deepen your connections.
Perhaps this resource will be all you need.
Or maybe this will be the beginning of a journey you embark on to discover all that conversation can be.
Either way, I’ll be cheering you on.